Premier Jokes

Gary Delaney Jokes

Gary Delaney

Name
Gary Delaney

Profession
Stand-up comedian and writer

Nationality
English

Links
www.garydelaney.com
@GaryDelaney

Wondering who sent you a card on Valentine's Day? Good.
Wondering who sent you a card on Fathers' Day? Bad. seasonal valentines day

 

The president of France said this week that english speakers are arrogant in their refusal to learn foreign languages - at least I think that's what he said. countries

 

When my girlfriend suggested we try playing doctors and nurses I was really hoping for something sexier than being left in a corridor for 2 days. girlfriends sex

 

They always say that you'll find the love of your life when you're not really looking. Which was true, but by then I'd run her over.

 

I remember one time my uncle asked me to spell "schadenfreude" and I couldn't. But he's dead now and I'm not, so I win. family

 

My cousin always introduces himself as "Stephen with a ph" and that's 'cos he's slightly acidic. family

 

Grandad asked me how to print on his new computer. I said, "Just Control-P" He said, "I haven't been able to do that for years." family old people

 

The chair of the Dyslexic Society was recently given an OBE. He said, "What's the point, I can't play the bloody thing."

 

I could tell it was a Monopoly board from the word go. puns

 

I remember sitting in psychology class learning about Pavlov, thinking "Those stupid dogs." Then the bell went and we all had lunch. animals

 

A friend of mine keeps going on and on about how good his orthopedic shoe is. But I think he's built it up too much. puns

 

Uri Geller is surprisingly hard to stab. celebrities

 

I went to see Walt Disney on Ice. Bit disappointing - just an old bloke in a freezer. old people

 

Malcolm X chose that name, rather than admit he'd accidentally put a kiss at the end of a text message. word-play

 

Red sky at night, light of shorter wavelengths being disipated through water vapour and atmospheric dust.
Red sky in the morning, same.
Not as catchy as the original but a lot more accurate. cliches nerdy

 

I'm still a bit shaken up. I was involved in quite a violent mugging the other day. On the plus side I did make a few quid.

 

Dave drowned. So at his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted. puns

 

It's thanks to the efforts of men like my grandad that we don't speak German today, 'cos he singlehandedly killed 11 language teachers. old people

 

My next door neighbour is really loud and obnoxious. So now I know how Canada feels. countries

 

I like to annoy my Israeli flatmate by giving him any post that's just addressed to the occupier. countries

 

If you like Gary Delaney jokes, you'll also like these:

Tim Vine
Stewart Francis
Milton Jones

Get Jokes and More
Every Week

more info