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Gary Delaney Jokes

The best Gary Delaney jokes, quotes, tweets and one-liners.

Gary Delaney

Gary Delaney

Stand-up comedian and writer



Uri Geller is surprisingly hard to stab.celebrity


Red sky at night, light of shorter wavelengths being disipated through water vapour and atmospheric dust.
Red sky in the morning, same.
Not as catchy as the original but a lot more accurate.clichesnerdy


I remember sitting in psychology class learning about Pavlov, thinking "Those stupid dogs." Then the bell went and we all had lunch.animals


I like to annoy my Israeli flatmate by giving him any post that's just addressed to the occupier.countries


My next door neighbour is really loud and obnoxious. So now I know how Canada feels.countries


The president of France said this week that English speakers are arrogant in their refusal to learn foreign languages - at least I think that's what he said.countries


I remember one time my uncle asked me to spell "schadenfreude" and I couldn't. But he's dead now and I'm not, so I


My cousin always introduces himself as "Stephen with a ph" and that's 'cos he's slightly


Grandad asked me how to print on his new computer. I said, "Just Control-P" He said, "I haven't been able to do that for years."familyold people


When my girlfriend suggested we try playing doctors and nurses I was really hoping for something sexier than being left in a corridor for 2 days.girlfriendssex


I went to see Walt Disney on Ice. Bit disappointing - just an old bloke in a freezer.old people


It's thanks to the efforts of men like my grandad that we don't speak German today, 'cos he singlehandedly killed 11 language teachers.old people


I'm still a bit shaken up. I was involved in quite a violent mugging the other day. On the plus side I did make a few quid.misc


Wondering who sent you a card on Valentine's Day? Good.
Wondering who sent you a card on Fathers' Day? Bad.valentines


Dave drowned. So at his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.puns


I could tell it was a Monopoly board from the word go.puns


Malcolm X chose that name, rather than admit he'd accidentally put a kiss at the end of a text message.word play


A friend of mine keeps going on and on about how good his orthopedic shoe is. But I think he's built it up too much.puns


As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.animals


I've just bought the thickest moisturiser in the world. To be honest it still hasn't sunk in yet.puns


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