Steven Wright Jokes

The best Steven Wright jokes, quotes, tweets and one-liners.

Name
Steven Wright

Profession
Iconic one-liner stand-up comedian

Nationality
American

Links
stevenwright.com
@StevenWright

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.animalspuns

Whenever I see a dalmatian I say, "What number are you?"animals

Whenever I think about the past it just brings back so many memories.misc

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.observational

A friend of mine does voodoo acupuncture. You don't have to go.surreal

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.surreal

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?surreal

One time I stayed in a hotel, the pool was on the 23rd floor. I couldn't believe how deep it was.surreal

I'm staying in an old hotel. They sent me a wake up letter.surreal

It's hard for me to buy clothes 'cos I'm not my size.surreal

Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.surreal

What's another word for thesaurus?word play

I walked up to a tourist information booth. I said, "So, tell me about some people who were here last year."word play

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'm gonna use it.puns

I saw a bank that said, "24 Hour Banking" But I don't have that much time.misc

You never know what you have until it's gone. I wanted to know what I had, so I got rid of everything.surreal

I was driving down the street 100mph for no reason. The police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "Why? I had my foot to the floor. It sends more gas through the carburettor - makes the engine go faster. The whole car just takes off like that."misc

My grandfather was a small claims court jester.jobsold peoplesurreal

One time my grandmother said, "Steven come over here. Here's $5 and don't tell your mother I'm giving this to you." I said, "It'll cost you more than that!"old people