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Tim Vine Jokes

The best Tim Vine jokes, quotes, puns, tweets and one-liners.

Tim Vine

Name
Tim Vine

Profession
Stand-up comedian and actor

Nationality
English

Links
www.timvine.com
@RealTimVine

So this bloke said to me "Tim, do you know Marie Osmond is about to appear in the world's worst film?" I said "Warner Brothers?" He said "I already have!" celebrities puns

 

conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes. medical puns

 

So I was working in a health food shop. This bloke walked in and said "Evening primrose oil." I said "Mr Vine to you!" He said "Soya chunks?" I said "You shouldn't have been looking."

 

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits. puns

 

My girlfriend is covered from head to toe in grass. Her name's Lorna. girlfriends puns

 

I went to the doctor and he said, "You've got hypochondria." I said, "Not that as well!" medical

 

I was working in a department store and this couple came in. They said, "We want to buy some Christmas presents. When are your opening hours?" I said, "I'm not opening yours, I'm opening mine!" christmas

 

I had a dream last night. This voice said, "On your marks, get set, go!" and I woke up with a start. surreal

 

So I saw this bloke playing Dancing Queen on a didgeridoo. I thought, "That's ABBA-riginal." puns

 

Last night I dreamt I was the author of Lord of the Rings. I was Tolkien in my sleep. puns

 

One-armed butlers. They can take it but they can't dish it out. surreal

 

I saw Schindler's List, and the bloke behind me started wailing. I got hit on the back of the head with a harpoon. puns

 

So I went to the dentist. He said, "Say ah." I said, "Why?" He said, "My dog's died." animals medical

 

It's strange isn't it, you stand in a library and go "Aaaaaargh" and everyone stares at you. Do the same thing on an aeroplane and everyone joins in. observational

 

The advantage of easy origami is twofold... puns

 

Exit signs. They're on the way out aren't they? puns

 

Do you ever get that when you're halfway through eating a horse and you think to yourself, "I'm not as hungry as I thought I was." surreal

 

Velcro, what a rip off! puns

 

This bloke said to me, "Tim, as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?" I said, "Let me make one thing absolutely clear. My mother was never a young boy."

 

I just got a great job helping a one arm typist when she wants to do capital letters. It's shift work. jobs

 

I've decided to sell my Hoover. Well it was just collecting dust. puns

 

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics. I got bronze. puns sport

 

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me: "Can you give me a lift?" I said: "Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it." puns

 

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said "Parking Fine". So that was nice. puns

 

I went to the doctor. I said to him: "I'm frightened of lapels." He said: "You've got cholera." medical puns

 

Black Beauty. Now there's a dark horse! animals puns

 

Exit signs. They're on the way out, aren't they? puns

 

Tim Vine Books

The Tim Vine Bumper Book of Silliness

The (Not Quite) Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book: Children's Edition

The Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book

Tim Vine DVDs

Tim Vine - Jokeamotive

Tim Vine - Punslinger Live

Tim Vine - Live - So I Said To This Bloke

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