The best Tim Vine jokes, quotes, puns, tweets and one-liners.
So I was working in a health food shop. This bloke walked in and said "Evening primrose oil." I said "Mr Vine to you!" He said "Soya chunks?" I said "You shouldn't have been looking."
A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits. puns
I went to the doctor and he said, "You've got hypochondria." I said, "Not that as well!" medical
I was working in a department store and this couple came in. They said, "We want to buy some Christmas presents. When are your opening hours?" I said, "I'm not opening yours, I'm opening mine!" christmas
I had a dream last night. This voice said, "On your marks, get set, go!" and I woke up with a start. surreal
So I saw this bloke playing Dancing Queen on a didgeridoo. I thought, "That's ABBA-riginal." puns
Last night I dreamt I was the author of Lord of the Rings. I was Tolkien in my sleep. puns
One-armed butlers. They can take it but they can't dish it out. surreal
I saw Schindler's List, and the bloke behind me started wailing. I got hit on the back of the head with a harpoon. puns
It's strange isn't it, you stand in a library and go "Aaaaaargh" and everyone stares at you. Do the same thing on an aeroplane and everyone joins in. observational
The advantage of easy origami is twofold... puns
Exit signs. They're on the way out aren't they? puns
Do you ever get that when you're halfway through eating a horse and you think to yourself, "I'm not as hungry as I thought I was." surreal
Velcro, what a rip off! puns
This bloke said to me, "Tim, as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?" I said, "Let me make one thing absolutely clear. My mother was never a young boy."
I just got a great job helping a one arm typist when she wants to do capital letters. It's shift work. jobs
I've decided to sell my Hoover. Well it was just collecting dust. puns
So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me: "Can you give me a lift?" I said: "Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it." puns
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said "Parking Fine". So that was nice. puns
Exit signs. They're on the way out, aren't they? puns
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