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Tim Vine Jokes

The best Tim Vine jokes, quotes, puns, tweets and one-liners.

Tim Vine

Tim Vine

Stand-up comedian and actor



So this bloke said to me "Tim, do you know Marie Osmond is about to appear in the world's worst film?" I said "Warner Brothers?" He said "I already have!"celebritypuns


So I went to the dentist. He said, "Say aaah." I said, "Why?" He said, "My dog's died."animalsmedical


Black Beauty. Now there's a dark horse!animalspuns


I was working in a department store and this couple came in. They said, "We want to buy some Christmas presents. When are your opening hours?" I said, "I'm not opening yours, I'm opening mine!"christmas


My girlfriend is covered from head to toe in grass. Her name's Lorna.girlfriendspuns


I just got a great job helping a one arm typist when she wants to do capital letters. It's shift work.jobspuns


This bloke said to me, "Tim, as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?" I said, "Let me make one thing absolutely clear. My mother was never a young boy."misc


I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics. I got - that's a site for sore eyes.medicalpuns


I went to the doctor and he said, "You've got hypochondria." I said, "Not that as well!"medical


I went to the doctor. I said to him: "I'm frightened of lapels." He said: "You've got cholera."medicalpuns


It's strange isn't it, you stand in a library and go "Aaaaaargh" and everyone stares at you. Do the same thing on an aeroplane and everyone joins in.observational


I had a dream last night. This voice said, "On your marks, get set, go!" and I woke up with a start.puns


One-armed butlers. They can take it but they can't dish it out.surreal


Do you ever get that when you're halfway through eating a horse and you think to yourself, "I'm not as hungry as I thought I was."surreal


So I was working in a health food shop. This bloke walked in and said "Evening primrose oil." I said "Mr Vine to you!" He said "Soya chunks?" I said "You shouldn't have been looking."puns


A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits.puns


So I saw this bloke playing Dancing Queen on a didgeridoo. I thought, "That's ABBA-riginal."puns


Last night I dreamt I was the author of Lord of the Rings. I was Tolkien in my sleep.puns


I saw Schindler's List, and the bloke behind me started wailing. I got hit on the back of the head with a harpoon.puns


Exit signs. They're on the way out aren't they?puns


The advantage of easy origami is twofold...puns


Velcro, what a rip off!puns


I've decided to sell my Hoover. Well it was just collecting dust.puns


So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me: "Can you give me a lift?" I said: "Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it."puns


Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said "Parking Fine". So that was nice.puns


Burglars are getting very clever now, aren't they? I was in bed last night - my wife woke me up "Darling wake up, I think there's a burglar downstairs. Can you go and check?" So I got out of bed, I went downstairs and I checked in every room. There was nobody there. And then suddenly I remembered - I haven't got a wife! So I dashed back upstairs but it was too late - the bed had gone.misc


So I went to buy a watch and the man in the shop said, "Analogue?" I said, "No, just a watch."puns


Advent calendars - their days are numbered!christmaspuns


I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one."animalspuns


So I went into a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."animalspuns


This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me!"puns


I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."punssport


I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?" I said, "Ooh I'll just have one please." She said, "It's OK, you don't have to be polite." "Alright" I said, "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow!"misc


I went to the record shop and I said, "What have you got by The Doors?" He said, "A bucket of sand and a fire blanket."puns


This bloke said to me, "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library." I thought, "That's a turn up for the books."puns


This bloke said to me, "I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar." I said: "Is that a fret?"word play


Tim Vine Books

The Tim Vine Bumper Book of Silliness

The (Not Quite) Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book: Children's Edition

The Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book

Tim Vine DVDs

Tim Vine - Jokeamotive

Tim Vine - Punslinger Live

Tim Vine - Live - So I Said To This Bloke

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