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Tim Vine Jokes

The best Tim Vine jokes, quotes, puns, tweets and one-liners.

Tim Vine

Name
Tim Vine

Profession
Stand-up comedian and actor

Nationality
English

Links
www.timvine.com
@RealTimVine

So this bloke said to me "Tim, do you know Marie Osmond is about to appear in the world's worst film?" I said "Warner Brothers?" He said "I already have!"celebritypuns

 

So I went to the dentist. He said, "Say aaah." I said, "Why?" He said, "My dog's died."animalsmedical

 

Black Beauty. Now there's a dark horse!animalspuns

 

I was working in a department store and this couple came in. They said, "We want to buy some Christmas presents. When are your opening hours?" I said, "I'm not opening yours, I'm opening mine!"christmas

 

My girlfriend is covered from head to toe in grass. Her name's Lorna.girlfriendspuns

 

I just got a great job helping a one arm typist when she wants to do capital letters. It's shift work.jobspuns

 

This bloke said to me, "Tim, as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?" I said, "Let me make one thing absolutely clear. My mother was never a young boy."misc

 

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics. I got bronze.sport

 

conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes.medicalpuns

 

I went to the doctor and he said, "You've got hypochondria." I said, "Not that as well!"medical

 

I went to the doctor. I said to him: "I'm frightened of lapels." He said: "You've got cholera."medicalpuns

 

It's strange isn't it, you stand in a library and go "Aaaaaargh" and everyone stares at you. Do the same thing on an aeroplane and everyone joins in.observational

 

I had a dream last night. This voice said, "On your marks, get set, go!" and I woke up with a start.puns

 

One-armed butlers. They can take it but they can't dish it out.surreal

 

Do you ever get that when you're halfway through eating a horse and you think to yourself, "I'm not as hungry as I thought I was."surreal

 

So I was working in a health food shop. This bloke walked in and said "Evening primrose oil." I said "Mr Vine to you!" He said "Soya chunks?" I said "You shouldn't have been looking."puns

 

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits.puns

 

So I saw this bloke playing Dancing Queen on a didgeridoo. I thought, "That's ABBA-riginal."puns

 

Last night I dreamt I was the author of Lord of the Rings. I was Tolkien in my sleep.puns

 

I saw Schindler's List, and the bloke behind me started wailing. I got hit on the back of the head with a harpoon.puns

 

Exit signs. They're on the way out aren't they?puns

 

The advantage of easy origami is twofold...puns

 

Velcro, what a rip off!puns

 

I've decided to sell my Hoover. Well it was just collecting dust.puns

 

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me: "Can you give me a lift?" I said: "Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it."puns

 

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said "Parking Fine". So that was nice.puns

 

Burglars are getting very clever now, aren't they? I was in bed last night - my wife woke me up "Darling wake up, I think there's a burglar downstairs. Can you go and check?" So I got out of bed, I went downstairs and I checked in every room. There was nobody there. And then suddenly I remembered - I haven't got a wife! So I dashed back upstairs but it was too late - the bed had gone.misc

 

So I went to buy a watch and the man in the shop said, "Analogue?" I said, "No, just a watch."puns

 

Advent calendars - their days are numbered!christmaspuns

 

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one."animalspuns

 

So I went into a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."animalspuns

 

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me!"puns

 

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."punssport

 

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?" I said, "Ooh I'll just have one please." She said, "It's OK, you don't have to be polite." "Alright" I said, "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow!"misc

 

I went to the record shop and I said, "What have you got by The Doors?" He said, "A bucket of sand and a fire blanket."puns

 

This bloke said to me, "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library." I thought, "That's a turn up for the books."puns

 

This bloke said to me, "I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar." I said, "Is that a fret?"word play

 

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said, "I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is." He said, "You have to love Easter, baby."celebrityeasterword play

 

Tim Vine Books

The Tim Vine Bumper Book of Silliness

The (Not Quite) Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book: Children's Edition

The Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book

Tim Vine DVDs

Tim Vine - Jokeamotive

Tim Vine - Punslinger Live

Tim Vine - Live - So I Said To This Bloke

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