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Topical Jokes

Topical jokes and jokes about the news. Most recent first...

November 2014:
The Philae spacecraft lands on Comet 67P, travelling at nearly 40,000mph

"The European Space Agency land a probe on Comet"
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and Rudolph must be worried. christmas topical

Tony Cowards

I once flicked a pair of pants off my big toe and they landed directly on my wife's face, but yeah, landing on a comet is also impressive. topical

@cluedont

Simulate guiding a probe 300 million miles and landing it on a comet by getting a straw in a Capri Sun on the first attempt. topical

@Simply_Smithy

August 2013:
Peter Capaldi announced as the new Doctor Who.
Friction between Britain and Spain over border controls at Gibraltar.

I agree with people who are saying that Peter Capaldi is too old to play Doctor Who, a thousand-year-old fictional character. topical

@RogerQuimbly

My thoughts are with the unfortunate people of Gibraltar just now. Stuck between a rock and a hard-up place. cliches topical

@Squiffy2

July 2013:
Ex-spy, Edward Snowden lodges asylum requests with 21 different countries, while sheltering in Moscow airport.
Andy Murray wins the mens singles final at Wimbledon.
UK government announces a proposal to ban packed lunches from schools, saying that all children should have school dinners.
Charles "Chuck" Foley, the inventor of Twister, has died.
A royal baby has been born to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge - 3rd in line to the British throne.

If Snowden wants to evade capture by the Americans he should seek asylum in Wales. They have no idea where it is. topical

Paul Bassett Davies

A chill descends upon Ed Snowden, as he realises he has now tried every type of panini available in the Moscow airport transit zone. topical

@NewConnArtist

At this rate Snowden's going to have to apply for asylum in Narnia. topical

@charltonbrooker

I have just endorsed Andy Murray for tennis on LinkedIn. sport topical

@MooseAllain

I had thought of a spoonerism about this school meals story, but it lacked punch. topical

@NewConnArtist

The guy who invented Twister died this week. Fitting him into the coffin took 27 spins. topical

@WilliamAder

Congratulations to Kate Middleton, who will now presumably not be beheaded. topical

@AlexKoppelman

All this royal baby nonsense will be forgotten about on Tuesday.
Heir today, gone tomorrow. topical

@eddo75

June 2013:
Singer Tulisa is arrested on suspicion of dealing in class A drugs.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West name their baby daughter "North West"!

So Tulisa is about to get herself a criminal record! So what, the last record she had was a crime against music. celebrities topical

@hi_robb

I think Kim and Kanye's baby North West will go straight to the top. And a bit to the left. topical

@Luckiest_Loser_

May 2013:
David Beckham announces his retirement from professional football.

I feel sorry for David Beckham. He takes stick wherever he goes, and she usually brings the kids as well. celebrities topical

@IHPower

Hi guys, does anyone have a video of Beckham scoring from the half way line? I know it's a long shot. topical

@LittleLostLad

April 2013:
Kim Jong-un of North Korea throws his weight around and threatens to fire nuclear weapons at all and sundry.
Boy band, JLS, announce that they are to split after the current tour.
Announcement that a picture of Sir Winston Churchill is to appear on the £5 note.

If Kim Jong-un wants to nuke someone, can I suggest he starts with his hairdresser. topical

Jeremy Clarkson

If you give JLS OBEs, then they really will be jobless. celebrities topical

Stephen Grant

First The Beatles now JLS! Will the music industry survive this? celebrities topical

Bennett Arron

Have you seen the likeness of Churchill on the new £5 note? It's close, but no cigar. topical

@SandyFootwells

March 2013:
Venezuelan president, Hugo Chávez, has died.
Conclave elects the new pope.
NASA unable to say for sure whether or not Voyager 1 has left the solar system.

In honour of the passing of Hugo Chávez, I have had his initials inscribed onto my bathroom taps. topical

Stephen Grant

Although Hugo Chávez has died, he's still projected to win the next 3 Venezuelan elections. topical

@kelkulus

Quietening down now at the conclave, although a few moments ago there was the sound of a dropped tray followed by jeering. topical

@MooseAllain

Pope Francis is expected to bring the church into the 18th century. topical

@DannyZuker

I wish NASA would make its mind up. Either Voyager 1 has left the solar system, or it hasn't. It's not rocket science. puns topical

@RogerQuimbly

February 2013:
Oscar Pistorius arrested and charged with the murder of his girlfriend.
UK credit rating downgraded by ratings agency Moodys.
Traces of horse DNA found in meatballs in Ikea.

All kinds of records could be set simply by letting Oscar Pistorius fire the starting pistol at the Women's 100 metres. sport topical

Frankie Boyle

Nike confirms suspension of contract with Oscar Pistorius shortly before drunken "Will you take me back?" text to Lance Armstrong. topical

@TwotDidUSay

Breaking financial news, Winnie the Pooh creator AAA Milne has been downgraded to AA Milne. topical

Tony Cowards

There's new embarrassment for David Cameron as Britain's credit status is downgraded from AAA to LOL. topical

@haveigotnews

Sad that the UK's eBay feedback has been downgraded to "AA1. Very fast payer. Recommended!!!" topical

Adam Kay

Ikea speaks out on traces of horse meat in their meatballs, but their story isn't fitting together properly as some key parts are missing. topical

@NintenDom

Ikea found horse in some of its Swedish meatballs. Or as they call it, Klippklöppen. topical

@AnthonyDeVito

These were all topical jokes at the time they were posted, but most are well out of date and some may refer to events you've forgotten about. Ah well - they probably weren't important anyway.

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